Olive's Pregnancy

Olive was a surprise. We were planning on trying for a baby sometime in the next few months, but then my period was late, and it turned out, we were having a baby a little sooner than we had planned. 

Brennan had applied to grad school. And when I saw the second line on the pregnancy test, I was excited, but as I did the math, I felt overwhelmed. I asked Brennan when grad school was supposed to start. It was three days after my due date. Little did I know, the world was about to turn upside down anyway with a pandemic, and little Olive would bring changes to our lives that would actually be so, so much better than what we had planned. 

As overwhelmed as I felt, I also felt a sense of peace. I had struggled with heavy, and severe depression during my first pregnancy, and I was afraid that would be my experience again. But, every time I heard this song play, it felt like the essence of who this little person would be. And it made me feel like things would be okay.

Max Richter: Recomposed Autumn 3 

The truth is, this song still feels like her to me.

I was working full-time nights as a nurse when the nausea hit. I threw up almost every day for 6ish weeks. I threw up in the hospital bathroom between patients. I almost threw up in a patient's room once while emptying the catheter. The smell of urine was almost unbearable. Working on a labor and delivery unit, everyone figured out I was pregnant pretty quickly. And they came through for me like family, offering to help with some of the less pleasant aspects of nursing, so that I wouldn't leave my patients covered in my own vomit. 

Sometime in those early weeks, I started saying these four sentences over and over, especially when I got nervous about the baby, or myself. 

I am healthy.
My baby is healthy.
She will come when she's ready. 
I will get her here safely. 

Pregnancy isn't a cake-walk by any means, but after the morning sickness faded, my pregnancy progressed rather beautifully. I embraced my growing belly. And the depression never showed up. I laughed as often as I had cried with my first (almost every day). I feel like I was at opposite ends of the spectrum with my pregnancies. I am grateful that this one felt empowering and happy. 

At some point, I decided I wanted to try to have a medication-free birth. There were a few reasons why, but more than anything, I just wanted to have that experience. I knew this very well might be my last baby, and I wanted to soak in everything, even the hard parts. I read a bunch of books. I had watched several natural labors as a nurse. I talked with my midwives. I wasn't hell-bent on doing it a specific way, but I wanted to try. I wasn't expecting the incredibly difficult and even scary labor and delivery that I ended up having, but that's a story for another day. 

The name Olive refers to the olive branch, a symbol of peace. For me, that's exactly what this pregnancy was. A new life coupled with healing for me.

Birth story to follow.

Busy with Nothing

 I quit my job about 3.5 months ago. Brennan got a new job, making more money than me, and I was due with a baby in a couple of months. I didn't want to cut back and lose maternity leave, and I didn't want to stay full-time and try to find daycare, so I quit. 

Before I quit, I was the breadwinner, something I think a lot of women in the area I live haven't experienced. And it felt, really, really good. I love being a nurse. I am passionate about my field of work. I loved my coworkers. Almost every shift was exciting and fulfilling. I am grateful to be home too, and be with my babies. But it isn't easy. 

Someone recently asked me what I do all day... I just kind of sat there, blankly staring for a minute. 

"Well, I just take care of the girls. I cook. I clean. I change a lot of diapers. I nurse. I rock a colicky baby. I play with a toddler.... occasionally I sneak in a show for myself, or read, or journal, but not usually." 

I know it isn't something I should feel ashamed of, but I do sometimes. I feel so damn busy, and I have nothing to really show for it. Like, I honestly feel like I killed it if I get all three of us dressed and ready at some point in the day. 

Every once in awhile though I get these moments, where the heavens seem to smile down, and I see just what all of my "nothingness" is doing. 

Olive grins at me. 

Maggie tells me a letter I taught her a week ago. 

The sun shines trickles through the windows of our home and it feels so peaceful amidst the chaos, and I think all of that actually has something to do with me, and what I'm doing. 

So today, I chose to ignore the dirty house and the toddler singing in her room when she should be napping, and write down these thoughts. 

I might not be doing anything but putting out fires, but someone has got to do it. And I feel glad that it's me.

April Showers and a Birth Story

Well, March really got away from me. I'm happy to say that even though I wasn't able to create something every day, the overall goal for the month of being more creative did my soul some real good. This month I have some more concrete goals that focus around gardening, spiritual growth, and a busy book for my daughter.

April is busy for us. It is my birthday month and my sweet baby's birthday month! She is going to be ONE! I thought today, that I would take a moment to write about her birth story. I always like reading these things, so I figured it would be fun to write about.

Around this time last year, I started having practice labor. For weeks I would have time-able and decent contractions, and not just when I was walking. They weren't totally consistent, and I was able to talk through them most of the time though.

However, at 39 weeks pregnant I was 2-3 cm and about 80% effaced, so my midwife offered to strip my membranes. I was ready to be done being pregnant, so I agreed. The 48 hours after my membrane stripping were basically nonstop contractions every 3-10 minutes. I barely slept and I was emotionally exhausted. After those two days, my contractions COMPLETELY stopped. It was weird, but I figured I'd be overdue, and I was okay with that.

After my 24 hour break, I started having stronger contractions about 5 minutes apart at about 10 pm. I hopped in the shower and my husband called the hospital. They told me to wait until they were consistent and strong. I had so much practice labor, that I decided to go to bed, and sent my husband to bed too. Around 3:30 am, I was woken by strong contractions. I timed them and tried to fall back asleep, but every 3 minutes, another contraction would happen. I got up and decided to take a warm bath to see if that helped. Two more contractions, and I knew this was the real deal. I packed what I still needed to pack between contractions, and then I woke up my husband and said "hey, can you drive me to the hospital?"

When I arrived at the hospital, you could tell they were busy, and I was handling the contractions well, so they probably thought I wasn't in labor. But they checked, and I was already 5 cm. They asked if I wanted an epidural. I said eventually, but I was okay for now. I got back in the shower and hummed my way through contractions. When I got out of the shower, I was feeling even stronger contractions. They checked me again and I was 7-8 cm. I decided that if I was going to have to push for a long time, I would need some rest, so I asked for an epidural. 

The anesthesiologist was quick and efficient. We made jokes through the whole thing and I got immediate relief. I asked for the lowest dose and said I would still like to be able to feel contractions. He said I shouldn't be able to feel them, and to ask for another dose if I could. The epidural felt pretty light. I still breathed through contractions, but felt relaxed. They were more like light menstrual cramps. 

Nurses came in again, and checked me. I was 9 cm. My midwife asked to break my water, and I agreed. I had a rim still, so they put me on whats called a "peanut ball." It looks like this: 

It helps with dilating the cervix. After about 15-30 minutes of that, they came back and I was complete and ready to push. I ended up pushing for an hour and 40 minutes. I felt a whole lot of pressure, and some pain, and even the "ring of fire" which makes me think my epidural might have partially worn off. But it really wasn't bad at all. At 11:40 am, Maggie was born. She came out screaming, pink, and got a perfect APGAR score at 5 minutes. She's been an overachiever like that ever since.

I remember thinking she was surprisingly cute for a newborn. Her head looked good, and she had rolls. She latched right on to breastfeed, and never had a single issue. I mean, I never even chaffed. That's the kind of kid Maggie is though. She just seems to get things without really trying. I didn't know it then, but I was getting a very easy child. She is sweet, and funny, and I would go through pregnancy and labor over and over just to get her. 

I love her completely, and I am so grateful that her birth story is a happy one.

Catch-up

So it's been a couple of days. 

Here's what I've been creating.

Tuesday:  I made a tasty dinner. This isn't my picture. It's the from the website. Betty Crocker in my go-to. Bacon-Wrapped Pork Chops with Cauliflower.

Wednesday: I did a flower doodle and wrote in cute lettering next to it "It has been a long day." And it had.

Thursday (Today): I am making this Chicken Bacon Ranch Shells. 

Bows

For my creation today, I made some spring bows for the baby!

If you have a little one who doesn't have a lot of hair yet and has a sensitive head, nylon headbands are the way to go.

I just buy nylons at the store and cut about two inch strips. Gently stretch them, and the ends will fold under. I sew bows or hot glue flowers on them.

It was a fun, stress-free creation!

Haiku

Today's creation is a Haiku.

It's the third of March
The sun in finally out
Spring will be here soon

I walked to church today and didn't mind the nippy cold, because the sun made it feel cheery.

That's all for today!

Day Two: Creating an Organized Space

For the second day of March, I created an organized space using the KonMari method!

I wish I had a "before" picture, but all I have is the after.

We were really able to cut down on the items that we had AND we were able to organize the things that we did want and that sparked joy for us. 

We got those cute little fabric bins at Walmart for $3.88! 

Today's creation was a little more stressful for me. Tomorrow I think I'll do something a little less ambitious haha.

Creation: March Goals!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a goal-oriented person. I LOVE the feeling of checking things off of my list and accomplishment of any kind.

There have been some things in my life that I have finished I think just for the sake of finishing them haha. But that's a discussion for another time.

This month, I made a very different kind of goal for me.

Every day of March, I want to CREATE something. 

I am looking forward tapping into my creativity and not worrying so much about a checklist.

I would love for you to join me in my challenge!

Here is what I created today:

I would NOT consider myself an artist. Here is the beginning of a loose interpretation of my little family. I adore them. 

I am a fan of planners and bullet journaling. This is my bullet journal for the month. 

If you want to see what I create each day, subscribe to my blog!

Half a Year

October 2018

Dear Maggie,

Today I crept into your room before you woke up. That doesn't normally happen since you're kind of a morning person (like me) and rise nice and early.

I had to find something in your room, and the rustling made you stir. You had fallen asleep on your tummy, with your tiny, chubby hand pressed up against your face. You opened your eyes, head still rested on the mattress and looked around your room.

"Maggie. Good morning sweet girl," I said gently. A smile crept across your face. You looked around and I caught your eye through the slats of the crib. "Happy half-birthday, baby!" Your grin grew even wider.

As I stood up to come and get you out of your crib, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with love. I picked you up, and you honestly felt like you had gained some weight overnight. You seemed so big to me all of the sudden. I held your squishy little body close as you happily glanced around your room and at my polka-dot shirt.

I've accomplished quite a few things in my life that people say are hard. I served a mission. I went through nursing school (while pregnant). I got married. I live a fair distance away from my family. All of these things were supposed to be really hard. But none of it holds a candle to how difficult motherhood has been for me. Maybe, it just doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to other women. The sleep deprivation, anxiety, and physical and emotional toll has felt like too much more than once. But, amazingly, none of that even seems to matter when you look up and smile at me.

The depth and intensity of love that I feel for you is unparalleled to any other emotion I have EVER felt. I am more invested in your success and long-term happiness than anything else I have ever done. Just writing about how I feel for you makes me weep.

So, here's to half of a year of you as a little person and me as a mom! I can tell that we're both starting to feel a little more like ourselves, and I can't wait to get to know you better. If the growth of my love for you is anything like that last six months, you will not even believe how much I will love you in 6 more weeks, or months, or years.

Thanks for joining our family GieGie girl.

Love,
Mom

Fall

Fall is probably my favorite season. This year, I feel particularly excited about fall. Giegie will be old enough to at least somewhat enjoy the holiday traditions.

This summer was a little bit slow (and fast in other ways) because of her birth. We didn't do any camping, which for us is unusual. And while I am sad about that, I feel excited for cool weather, warm meals, and lots of cozy time indoors.

For now, I am trying to enjoy what nice weather we have left. We walked to the park today and just laid in the shade. In just a month or so, it will get cold enough that going on walks just won't be possible anymore.

Here's to a cozy and memorable fall!

Why I had to travel across the country to breastfeed in public

Did you just read that title? Is that really what happened?

Before my daughter was born, I had high hopes of feeling comfortable feeding her anywhere and anytime. I hoped that I would be able to continue my life pretty much as normal and just feed her on the go. I hoped to not be too worried about location, or covering myself.

But then reality set in. I remember being in the hospital room less than 24 hours after my baby was born. Luckily, she was a great eater and had zero problems latching, however, it is STILL a learning experience for both mom and baby. We had some visitors, and I knew it was time to feed her, at first they sat there as I tried to discreetly whip out my boob and feed my baby, but I couldn't get the angle right or something. I finally whispered something to my husband along the lines of "Um. I think I need some privacy." They were gracious enough to give me space.

LAWS AND CULTURE

Did you know that just recently, in 2018, as in THIS YEAR, we finally had laws in all 50 states protecting breastfeeding moms? I want to be clear that breastfeeding in public was NOT illegal before that. There just wasn't built in protection, so technically speaking, a mother could be charged with public indecency for feeding her baby.

But, the legality of breastfeeding isn't really the problem in my opinion. Remember prohibition? Even though alcohol consumption was illegal, it wasn't looked down on. Whereas smoking is still completely legal, but as a society we have deemed it to be not so cool. The rates of smoking began to drastically decrease by the 1990s (about 20 years after anti-smoking campaign started).

 HHS.gov

My point in all of this is, culture plays a much bigger influence than the law. It might be legal and even protected in the United States to breastfeed in public, but we are still fighting some pretty strong cultural preferences. "During the early 20th century, breastfeeding started to be viewed negatively, especially in Canada and the United States, where it was regarded as a low class and uncultured practice" (History and culture of breastfeeding, Wikipedia).

WHY IT SUCKS

Breastfeeding has its pros and cons. I am all for a baby being fed in the way that will be best for both baby and mom. I am in no way promoting compulsory laws or culture that promote breastfeeding as the only good option. But I certainly think that if we can bottle-feed (breast milk or formula) in public with no problems, the same should be true of breastfeeding.

I know this isn't everyone's experience, but I love breastfeeding. I have been fortunate enough to have a pretty easy and very happy experience. It helped me to feel empowered as a woman and connected to my baby. But, its kind of sad that I sometimes felt shame about doing something so normal and not at all sexual in public.

WHEN I SAY I HAD TO GO ACROSS THE COUNTRY

A few weeks ago, I traveled to Florida for a family reunion. I went with my baby who is still exclusively breastfed. We took a red-eye flight to get there, and so when the lights were low and most people were sleeping, I breastfed my baby uncovered for the first time in public. It was so much easier.

Every day for the rest of the trip, we were out and about eating at restaurants, at the beach, kayaking, swimming, etc. I could have bowed out, or found a more private spot to feed my baby, but I didn't, because I was surrounded by my family who supported my efforts. It gave me a sense of safety having them all with me.

So, it turns out I didn't really need to go across the country, but I did need a strong, big group of people to make me feel like it was totally fine to feed my baby anywhere, anytime.

A week or so after returning, I went out to breakfast with some friends when my baby began to fuss. I did put on a cover, but I just started feeding her. One of my friends asked "Is breastfeeding in public pretty common here?"

I replied, "I don't know... but I feed her wherever I need to."

And that felt good.

"As a Mother Stills Her Child"

There is a famous hymn called "Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me." One of my favorite lines goes like this:

As a mother stills her child
Thou canst hush the ocean wild.

How does a mother still and comfort her child? She does not use force. She does not yell. She does not speak harshly.

She calms the child with her gentle presence.

Have you ever been with/around someone whose very presence brings you peace? Sometimes when they walk into the room, things just feel different.

I remember being held by my mother as a child. Her offering of self was enough to calm me.

Today, I want to be the kind of person that is calming and kind.

Present

Well, it has been a long time since I really blogged.

I am writing this post with my baby asleep on my chest. She's been there for about 2 hours now, so I know I won't have much longer, but I have been thinking a lot on motherhood today.

The transition to motherhood has been interesting for me. Here's what a typical day looked like for me for the last few years before my daughter was born.

6 or 7 AM: Wake up and get ready for the day
8-6: Go. Go. Go. (Variations of studying difficult concepts for school, taking notes in class, working hard at my job, or travelling.)
6-10: Me-time or time spent with Brennan watching movies, studying, talking, etc.
10-when I woke up: Uninterrupted, peaceful sleep.

My days are nothing like that now. When I became a mom, it felt like my world got turned upside down (after being violently shook).

For awhile I felt quite blue, and I still do some days. But I have also felt something empowering and peaceful about this new lifestyle of being PRESENT.

I don't get to plan much ahead.

I have no idea how well I'll sleep at night or how many times I will have to change her outfit or my own. I don't know if I will accomplish much. Sometimes tasks as simple as dishes get ignored. I might not talk to any other adult besides Brennan after a long day.

But all of these uncertainties make me slow down, breathe, and face the day with courage to be present and accept whatever feelings accompany the sporadic, yet monotonous day.

Thich Nhat Hanh (a prominent Buddhist leader) preaches that there is "peace and happiness" in the present moment. He means in every moment, we can feel that way. I'm not that good yet, but I am starting to feel pleasantly surprised that a lifestyle so different from what I thought I preferred is incredibly rich and fulfilling.

I am glad to slow down. I am so grateful to be a mother. I am happy to be present.

Pregnancy

I am just about 1.5 weeks from my due date! I cannot believe how quickly things have moved. Baby girl may not make her appearance for a couple more weeks, but we sure are excited to meet her. I mostly wanted to blog about this for my own record, but maybe someone else will find it helpful too!

FIRST TRIMESTER:

Man, I was so excited to get pregnant, until some of those first hormones started kicking in. I won't go into detail, but I think women expect to feel glowy and happy and in love with the baby from the start. I just want to say that was not my experience. And that is okay.

 5 13

I started morning sickness right at 6 weeks. Brennan and I were travelling in Colorado. I had been feeling nauseous, but when we walked into Panera to eat lunch, I made a b-line for the bathroom and threw up. After that, it was 2-3 times a week that I threw up for the rest of my first trimester. I felt nauseous pretty much the whole time. I once had to leave the house and walk around Walmart while Brennan cooked bacon, because the smell was so awful. I lost weight, and I was in the hardest semester of the nursing program. Man, those were some rough times. I remember telling Brennan at one point that I would NEVER get pregnant again haha. The crazy thing is, one day, I just woke up and felt completely better, and didn't feel sick again. I was like "Okay, I can handle this."

SECOND TRIMESTER

Many people consider this the best trimester. I would say that it definitely had it perks. I was STARVING. I could eat, and eat all day long. It was amazing. My only real craving was Jello and Cool Whip, but I would gladly take basically anything that anyone offered me.

I started gaining weight, and getting a belly.

 14 27

During that time I also worked night shifts for my preceptorship in the NICU. The lack of sunlight, weird schedule, intense school work, and hormones made me feel emotionally pretty crummy. But physically I felt great. And for that, I was counting my blessings.

THIRD TRIMESTER: 

The home stretch. I was finishing up school most of this time (graduated at 37.3 weeks pregnant). That kept me distracted, but I definitely have become less comfortable each day. I still feel hungry a lot of the time, but it's hard to eat large amounts due to heart burn. I have been able to manage it with some tasty tums though. I have had lots of mood swings, and done a lot of nesting. I get up to pee several times a night, and have been experiencing practice labor the last couple of weeks.

 29 37.4

Now, I am just feeling ready and excited to meet this little one!

Best of 2017, and HELLO 2018!

Wow, it has been awhile since I updated this blog. It has been such a fun thing to go back and look through exciting times in my life. I think I've been too busy with all the recent excitement that I stopped blogging.

Anyway, enough rambling.

Here are some of the 2017 highlights:

• I started nursing school this year!
• We found out we are having a baby. And SHE is a wiggly little thing. 
• We moved (across town, but still exciting). 

In 2018, we will be looking forward to the following:

• Graduation! I am completing my last semester in the nursing program. I will be completing my internship in the NICU, and I couldn't be more thrilled.
• Baby is due sometime this Spring (end of April, or beginning of May).

I'm not sure what other adventures we will be in for this year, but I'm hoping to do a better job of updating this blog as I go.

CHEERS 2018!

Marriage pt. 1

I know I just did the wedding post, but we've been married almost three months, and you know what? I think our normal day-to-day pictures are pretty cute. Here's what we've been up to since we tied the knot!

Thing #1: We've been going camping, a lot. We're kind of into one day camping, swimming around in the lake, cooking brats over the fire, and bringing coconuts as treat when we get the chance. (Have you ever thought about how perfect coconuts are for camping? They don't need refrigeration, they have water INSIDE of them, they take some force to open, and they are delicious).

My husband has gotten into photography recently, and I end up having to model a lot. 

Thing #2: Doctoring cows wasn't something I thought I would ever do. My family members are not farmers, or anything close to it. But this doctoring cows thing is a big deal in my husband's family and I LOVE IT. It's a lot of fun. Also, cows are kind of cute in an ugly way, which makes me like them (even though they are very stinky creatures). 

Thing #3: We visited Craters of the Moon, which oddly, really does look like how I imagine the moon would. I think he might have liked this trip just a little more than me. 

Thing #4: I pulled a Delilah, and chopped off all my husband's hair. He helped though... and I don't think he lost any power or anything, so we're okay. I think he looks pretty handsome with his buzzed look. 

Thing #5: We picked some home-grown RASPBERRIES. They lasted for about 27 hours. They were so delicious, we couldn't stop munching on them. 

Thing #6: Take me out to the ball game! He's a big Red Sox fan, and I didn't even know how baseball worked until we got married (embarrassing). But I really loved going to a game! We watched the Chukars play. I have a feeling watching baseball might become a more normal event for us. 

Wedding pt. 1

I married my favorite person. And our first month of marriage has been so so so good. How did I get so lucky? 

Special thanks to Great Salty Floral. Look them up on Instagram. She is amazing! 

Can you tell he's my bestfriend?

I could not have dreamed of better in-laws. 

The mamas. 

My not-so-little family.

The whole gang.

More pictures to come...

*Thank you T. Wright Photography!*

Why he's the best thing that's happened to me.

Well. I know I haven't talked much about dating on here. And this is a very cheesy, and overused phrase but.....

He is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And that's why I'm going to marry him.

Let me tell you a little bit about us:
>>> We have been dating for over two years
>>> A lot of that was long distance
>>> I am hopelessly in love with him
>>> We're getting married in May

Okay now let me talk about why he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

1. Brennan (that's his name) is nothing like who I imagined I'd end up with, but he is so much better for me. When I first met him, I thought he was REALLY handsome (because he is) and I was really drawn to him but I also thought we were too different to work out long term. There are several entries in my journal stating "this is not going anywhere..." But I was falling in love. really. really. quickly.

This was a picture from our first real date. I already liked him a lot by this point, but was in total denial. I thought he was too cool for me. And I still think that sometimes ha. So anyway, my point here for reason #1 is that I'm in love with him. And falling in love was one of the easiest things I have ever done. I have always been immensely logical, but all of the sudden, I was just letting go and enjoying life. Whenever I'm with him, I'm happier than ever before. 

2. He helps me be a better me. I like to think that I'm tough and independent. But the truth is, I need a lot of encouragement. 

When I'm with him, he helps me not only feel valued,but makes me want to try new things. I feel more adventurous and my life is easier and happier and more fun with him. I feel more capable and he encourages me to do more than I thought I could. Needless to say, the quality of my life has improved significantly since I met him. 

3. He's so patient with me. 

On one of our first dates, he asked me out via text messaging. I told him, no. I wouldn't go on a date with him unless he asked me out like a gentleman. Instead of giving up on me, or thinking that it wasn't worth the effort, I heard a knock on my door. He had left one of the most creative invitations I had ever seen. My frustration quickly turned to laughter. And I realized how silly I had been. 

AND on top of the day to day patience he exhibits, he has also waited around a lot for me to figure out my life.

These pictures were taken right before I left on a mission for our church and right after. I was gone for about 18 months. We couldn't call each other or skype. We could only emailed once a week, and sometime less. We also wrote letters. He was so supportive of my desires to help others and serve God. He never asked me to stay or reconsider. And I will always be grateful for the experiences I had during that year and a half. As focused as I was on what I was doing, I fell more in love with Brennan. 

4. He makes me laugh. 

 

I'm weird. And so is he. And I love singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of my lungs with him. I love when we tweet stupid stuff. I love screaming as loud as I can in the car, just because we can. I love watching Pride and Prejudice and 2001: a space odyssey every. single. month. I like that he farts around me and we laugh about it, because I still haven't farted in front of him.

5. He is such a good person: I get caught up in details, but he sees the big picture. And he is good to everyone he knows. He is kind and thoughtful. I don't have any pictures for this point, but anyone who knows him, knows that he is a good friend. 

There are a lot of other reasons. But I think this is sufficient. Brennan is my best friend. And I'm pretty excited that we get to spend forever together. 

The end.