Olive's Pregnancy

Olive was a surprise. We were planning on trying for a baby sometime in the next few months, but then my period was late, and it turned out, we were having a baby a little sooner than we had planned. 

Brennan had applied to grad school. And when I saw the second line on the pregnancy test, I was excited, but as I did the math, I felt overwhelmed. I asked Brennan when grad school was supposed to start. It was three days after my due date. Little did I know, the world was about to turn upside down anyway with a pandemic, and little Olive would bring changes to our lives that would actually be so, so much better than what we had planned. 

As overwhelmed as I felt, I also felt a sense of peace. I had struggled with heavy, and severe depression during my first pregnancy, and I was afraid that would be my experience again. But, every time I heard this song play, it felt like the essence of who this little person would be. And it made me feel like things would be okay.

Max Richter: Recomposed Autumn 3 

The truth is, this song still feels like her to me.

I was working full-time nights as a nurse when the nausea hit. I threw up almost every day for 6ish weeks. I threw up in the hospital bathroom between patients. I almost threw up in a patient's room once while emptying the catheter. The smell of urine was almost unbearable. Working on a labor and delivery unit, everyone figured out I was pregnant pretty quickly. And they came through for me like family, offering to help with some of the less pleasant aspects of nursing, so that I wouldn't leave my patients covered in my own vomit. 

Sometime in those early weeks, I started saying these four sentences over and over, especially when I got nervous about the baby, or myself. 

I am healthy.
My baby is healthy.
She will come when she's ready. 
I will get her here safely. 

Pregnancy isn't a cake-walk by any means, but after the morning sickness faded, my pregnancy progressed rather beautifully. I embraced my growing belly. And the depression never showed up. I laughed as often as I had cried with my first (almost every day). I feel like I was at opposite ends of the spectrum with my pregnancies. I am grateful that this one felt empowering and happy. 

At some point, I decided I wanted to try to have a medication-free birth. There were a few reasons why, but more than anything, I just wanted to have that experience. I knew this very well might be my last baby, and I wanted to soak in everything, even the hard parts. I read a bunch of books. I had watched several natural labors as a nurse. I talked with my midwives. I wasn't hell-bent on doing it a specific way, but I wanted to try. I wasn't expecting the incredibly difficult and even scary labor and delivery that I ended up having, but that's a story for another day. 

The name Olive refers to the olive branch, a symbol of peace. For me, that's exactly what this pregnancy was. A new life coupled with healing for me.

Birth story to follow.